I’ll be seeing him soon hopefully.
Music tends to surround me.
I am very much in love.
I realize you’re trying to be nice and give me nice dreams rather then nightmares but I’ve had enough fun crying before I fall asleep, you don’t have to make the dreams so fucking real that when I wake up I feel like crying because they aren’t real and I’m still stuck in this horrid place. Just give me some dreams that don’t involve:
- Him coming to me and telling me he fixed things with his parents and we can just hang out now.
- Us making out for hours.
- Our future life together where we are being all cute and corny and snuggling in our apartment and just being happy together.
I’d even be happy without remembering any dreams. I just need to get through this month without completely falling apart.
I’m tired of adults telling me that everything will be fine and the month will go by quickly. Because they don’t know that for sure and they aren’t spending the month with this weight of emotions on their chest.
I just don’t want to do this.
I look at the coming month and a half without him and inside I’m SCREAMING. I don’t want to have to endure this pain, this suffering, this heavy weight on my chest that wont go away. I don’t want to do this. I just want to run to my aunt in california but I know it wont change anything I’m still going to miss him. I wish I could just sleep for the rest of the month. I don’t care about missing thanksgiving or christmas as long as the aching will stay away.
And then there’s my mom saying “You know this time is going to fly by, with the holidays and all.” Just like when your little and going to get a shot, you KNOW its going to hurt, but everyone tells you otherwise just to get you to do it. And maybe it will go by fast for me but he’s gonna be with his grandmother in Buffalo with no skateboard, no video games, no where to go, no one to talk to. You cant tell me time is going to fly by for him.
And when he gets back I can’t see things changing for the good, his parent’s now hate me and don’t want me over their house. He isn’t going to like them anymore then he does now, if anything he is going to like them less…I don’t want to do this. If only someone could convince me this really will fix things, that we will just be able to be together or in some miracle his parent’s will see what their doing is wrong, maybe then I would be willing to just take the pain.
But its just going to hurt. And I’m going to get nothing out of it.
Things should be effecting me more then this.
But I’m neither happy nor sad right now.
I’m simply awake, afraid to sleep and dream something good then regret waking up. But I’m so tired from how things are that I will sleep just to relieve the heaviness on my eyes and give me energy to pull through another day.
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow. I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware, I’m becoming this and all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.
I just got to go over his house for dinner. His little sister was only allowed to be with us until we ate then she was kicked out and we just got to chill and talk and watch tv and read some of the stories I’ve written and kiss a little bit.
I’m very hopeful for future dates and being able to spend more time with him just us.
Oh and his parent’s weren’t incredibly awkward.
I don’t like this feeling
This feeling of
Feelings that lasted for hours
While I worried…
The constant worrying brought
Swirling through my head
Questions answered with
“Sorry, not now”
“I don’t want to”
“It’s a long story”
Questions left unanswered
Unanswered questions lead to more worries
More worries lead to more thoughts
More thoughts lead to more feelings
More feelings lead to more questions
More questions left unanswered
No amount of chocolate, ice cream, chinese food, cereal or other comfort foods can satisfy the aching in my stomach from missing you.
The sounds of music played by myself or a pair of headphones just sets rhythm to the pounding in my head.
Books, movies, shows all stories filled amazing adventures and romance can’t hold my interest long enough to stop my wishing of adventures and romance with you.
Talking to you in the brief ways we can just makes me long even more for the amount of talking we had before, or the amount we should have now.
Time with friends or with you and friends just doesn’t seem to ease the hurt the way it used to.
And though I know the amount of comfort is seriously lacking I crave for each and every thing as intensely as I miss you.
I just need to find a way not have to rely so heavily on these things for comfort and happiness.